Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
