i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
