i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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