I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
