Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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