You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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