You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
