its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize