i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
