Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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