all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
