just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
