I showed him my bush... on skype.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
