just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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