Porn is love you can see.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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