Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
