handjob tips. give me some.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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