Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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