A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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