Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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