I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Even my vagina gasped.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Randomize
