The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
