I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
