it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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