i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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