everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
