Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
