i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
