im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
