I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
