lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Acid is not a monday night drug
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
