Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
