I will die if light touches me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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