why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
