god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
