I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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