Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
