We won't sleep together?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
