ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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