Please don't use social media to get back at me.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Randomize
