mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
