Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
