I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
