i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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