You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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