this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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