That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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