oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
