You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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