Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I faked an abortion last night.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
