when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
