and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
