Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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