I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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