Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize