I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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