Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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