Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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