So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
