Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
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