I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
