Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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