I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
