last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize